cYniCaLme

Today, I’ve realized even more how much I really…I mean really…wanted to hate my father. But the thing is, I don’t really hate people. I just get annoyed with them. Holding grudges in your heart is much like the wound on a diabetic person’s body…the bacteria will feed off the glucose on it and then it’ll just grow bigger and bigger until you have to cut it off… if you get the point. But enough of the medical comparison. The original reality is here and now, in this life, and it cannot be compared with anything but sweat and blood because it’s just to damn hard to live. And I wanted to hate my life. I want to hate the mediocrity that’s coming out of me because I choose not to do my best so that I wont get disappointed if I fail. I want to hate our choir conductor for being so mad all the time. I want to hate my father’s small, rotten house which we get to live on because we have no choice. I want to hate my half-a-meter wide folding bed, in which you can’t really extend any part of your body horizontally cause, you might fall down….as well as my really small room where all you can do is spin around cause of the tiny space. I want to hate seeing my brothers and sisters entering the cycle of rejection that my father started with me. I want to hate the fact that I’m the one who holds the responsibility of turning the life of six other people around when I could just do as I wish with my life instead. I want to hate my choice of not getting married and have relationships because I just get irritated when somebody’s around and seeing my every move all the time, it’s my life, back off…only God has the right to do that…even if I’d be living alone in this world. I also wanted to hate my mother for being so damn weak in front of her husband and anybody else. I wanted to feel hate and then I wanted to get tired…I wanted to cry…then, die.

            But, I couldn’t do any of those. I couldn’t even feel that way…because I know that I can’t afford to give up. I don’t know why I don’t get tired. I’m nothing but a pessimist yet I still aim to get my family out of this hell and then go out into the world, and make it a better place even if it’s just 0.0000001 %. They always say, “You got a dream, might as well dream big” right? I’ve got a lot of questions. I reckon if making others happy will ever give me the happiness that I deserve in the end. What’s does the future hold for me? I’ve got my whole life planned out. They’d think, “Where’s the thrill in that? Where’s the thrill in seeing your life work out the way you want to?”…I never said that it would work out the way I wanted to. That’s the best part of it…that’s where the thrill is.  I’m ruled by my own choices but never did I ponder if it is right for me…I just thought that it is the right thing for other people, the people that I love of course. But here’s the twist… Am I just selfish by getting to do all of this stuff for other people because I want to gratify my ego? Because I wanted to feel thrilled how this laid-out plan goes? Am I unconsciously disregarding everything about myself for the sake of others because I want to be thanked and loved by others more than I wanted to help? Is the calling that I believe I have confabulated by my delusion of being selfless and not by God? – No…definitely not. These are just my fears. People could get confused about who I really am.

            For years that I have been living this life, I’ve been seeing its different angles. I want to change it, I want to be free from this, I want to free my family from this. Out of this energy-sucking situation…maybe away from my father and all the hate in life that is radiating from him, constantly being transferred to us. We are just helpless. I want our suffering to end…I don’t hate it because I learned from it and I became even more aware about its true meaning. My desire to reach out to others was strengthened by that peculiar dream…by the nun’s sight of my heart’s content…by my faith in God. They say it’s a calling, I say it’s a mission.

            So nobody has the right to say that I’m just some goody-two-shoes trying to be a saint or just a man-hater diverting my hate in another form…you have no freakin’ right to tell me that. You have no idea of who I am… I’m no saint, I’m no man-hater. I’m just human…trying to be strong for others, suppressing my feelings of weakness (because I know that it would destroy me)…my desires…for my choices. We are all trying to dedicate ourselves for something or someone…or else, what are we doing here? What is the purpose of our actions? Aren’t we all trying our best to be happy in the end? This is just my very own way. Before you judge me, just take a good look at your life and see where you’re headed and then get back at me when you think it’s better than where I’m going.

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 6th, 2008 at 9:13 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.